


War & Peace

by HopeCoppice



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Rare Pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2020-06-25 11:57:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19745269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeCoppice/pseuds/HopeCoppice
Summary: War is looking for revenge. What she finds is something else entirely.





	1. A Chance Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post - https://chloefrazrs.tumblr.com/post/186141550148/sameoldsorceress-you-should-write-good-omens - which was also my fault. Sorry, not sorry.
> 
> I'll add to it as and when things come to me.

War is back before she’s been gone a year.

She trails carnage behind her through country after country, never stopping to wonder at the body count, single-minded in her purpose. She is on her way to Lower Tadfield.

There are scores to be settled, wrongs to be righted, and words to be had with a precocious little girl who needs to learn to leave sword play to the grown ups.

She stops, at last, in front of an unassuming front door with honeysuckle growing up beside it. She knocks, and waits impatiently for an answer. For a reckoning.

The mortal who opens the door is not what she is expecting.

“Hello. Can I help you?” She is tall, and elegant, and her hair falls down past her shoulders in dark, glossy curls. She is beautiful, and she is not who War is looking for.

“Hi. Carmine Zugiber, reporter. I wanted to talk to your daughter?”

“To Pepper? Why?”

“Er, a local interest story. Is she in?”

“Not at the moment, but I’m sure she’ll be home soon. Why don’t you come in and have a cup of tea while you wait?”

War is not, strictly speaking, here on a social call. She should, by rights, refuse to sit and make pleasant conversation with this woman over tea and, no doubt, biscuits. She should head down to the nearest pub and start a fight - but ever since the Apocalypse that wasn’t,  _ should  _ has seemed less and less relevant.

She smiles, and allows herself to be led to the kitchen.

“I’m Tina, by the way, Pepper’s mum. How do you take your tea? Oh - and I’ve got some nice biscuits in the cupboard, I’ll pop them on a plate for you.”

War gets her feet under the table.


	2. Biscuits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pepper gets an unpleasant surprise when she comes home.

When Pepper returns from riding her bike in the woods that afternoon, she finds her mother deep in conversation with a stranger.

“No, really, I’d much rather she be outside with her friends than cooped up in here all the time. They’re good kids, and she’s always home before dark.”

“Good kids, yes, I’m sure they are.” That voice is familiar, and it makes Pepper’s blood run cold. She has heard that voice before, heard it mocking her, and she has seen its owner destroyed. How can she be here? But as she looks closer at the woman now licking sugar from her fingers - she has been eating  _ Pepper’s biscuits -  _ she can see it. This is War.

“You!” She storms into the kitchen and points an accusing finger at the woman’s face. “I  _ still _ believe in peace, bitch.”

“Pepper!” Her mother looks utterly scandalised.

“Oh, that’s all right.” War smiles sweetly and Pepper feels as though she might be sick. “ _ Little girls  _ should express themselves, after all.”

Pepper stares at them both for a moment, then stamps her feet on every stair until she reaches her room. She slams the door and waits. Who will come after her? Her mother, to tell her off, or War, to get her vengeance? For all her bravado, she suddenly feels very small and very, very scared. She strains her ears for the first hint of a footstep on the landing.

What she hears instead is laughter, and conversation, and an offer of more tea.

Pepper will never,  _ ever  _ understand grown ups.


	3. Chapter 3

War has every intention of following Pepper up to her room and, at the very least, yelling at her about how irresponsible it is to just go around poking people with flaming swords. She’s just going to lull the girl’s mother - Tina - into a false sense of security, first.

So it’s something of a surprise when, instead, she finds herself agreeing with Tina that yes, it has got rather late, and they really must do this again some time, and she’ll pop over with a bottle of wine on Friday evening if Tina picks out a film to watch.

  
Pepper, who both women had assumed was asleep by now, sticks her head over the banister to say that if  _ she  _ is coming over, then  _ Pepper  _ will be sleeping over at Adam’s on Friday night. Tina tells her that’s fine, as long as Adam’s parents are all right with it, and it’s settled. War is coming to Lower Tadfield on Friday evening.


	4. Chapter 4

Pepper apologises to her mother the morning after War’s visit. She’s ashamed of the childish way she behaved and, more importantly, she recognises that it’s not going to get her anywhere.

“Mum. About that woman that was here yesterday.”

“Carmine, wasn’t it? She’s a reporter, she wanted to talk to you about something.”

“She’s not a reporter.” Pepper takes a deep breath. “She’s the literal embodiment of War.”

Her mum stares at her for a moment, and Pepper thinks she understands the gravity of the situation, so she presses on.

“Adam and Brian and Wensleydale and me, we stopped them from making the world end. She told me to play with my dollies, and now she’s here to oppress me.”

Her mum frowns as she tries to follow all of that, and then she laughs.

“Oh, Pepper, you and your games. I don’t want you to ever grow out of that wonderful imagination of yours, you hear? Anyway, Carmine is coming round on Friday, and you’re welcome to go and play with your friends if you’d rather be out of our way.”

Pepper tries to explain, she does, but her mum just can’t comprehend the literal existence of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, never mind there having been one of them in her kitchen, and in the end Pepper gives up and goes to ask Adam if he’ll host a sleepover on Friday night, to save her from the horrors of War.

He agrees, of course.


	5. Chapter 5

War arrives on Friday night with three bottles of wine, because she realises she doesn’t know whether Tina prefers red, or white, or rosé. Tina, as it turns out, has something of a preference for a full-bodied red. She also has several DVDs picked out for her to choose from. None of them are war films, but that’s all right; cheap imitations are never as satisfying as the real thing, like the carnage War caused at the bus stop on the way here. War has never seen any of the films in front of her, so she picks one at random, and then before she knows it a bottle of wine is gone and Tina’s head is on her shoulder as she sniffles through the last few scenes of  _ Moulin Rouge _ .

“Are you OK?”

“It just always gets me- sorry. I’m crying all over your shirt.”

“That’s- don’t worry about it. Er- shall we watch another?”

War wakes on Saturday morning to find a DVD menu looping on the television screen and Tina fast asleep with her head on a pillow in War’s lap. She’s not entirely sure how it’s happened, but she’s also oddly reluctant to move.

She does, of course. There’s a rock concert she fancies in Scotland tonight, and she’s got a lot of riding to do before she can hit the mosh pit.

“This was nice, though,” she finds herself telling Tina, as they part on the doorstep. “Maybe we could do it again some time?”

“How’s next weekend? Same time, same place?” Tina smiles at her, and War forgets about blood for a moment, forgets weapons and angry words and violence.

“I’d like that,” she says.

War kickstarts her bike, raises one elegant finger at an old man complaining about the noise, and roars away, leaving Lower Tadfield in peace.


	6. Chapter 6

Pepper feels bad for being a little relieved when she hears about a fatal moshpit in Edinburgh, but she knows what it means. It means War has left Lower Tadfield, and has left Pepper alone, and most importantly is leaving Pepper’s mum out of it. It’s bad enough that War is back on Earth, but coming after Pepper’s mum is out of order.

Her relief lasts all of two days, before she comes home from a long adventure with the Them and finds her mum fussing over a new top she’s bought.

“What do you think, Pepper? Is it too much for a girls’ night in?”

“What girls?” Pepper frowns; it’s a very nice top to wear for a night drinking wine with the Them’s mums. It’s probably not worth the effort.

“Er, that reporter, Carmine? She’s coming round at the weekend.”

“Really, Mum? You can’t be friends with _anyone_ else?”

“Pepper!” Her mum, to Pepper’s surprise, seems more embarrassed than cross. “I happen to like her, that’s all. She’s seen the world, she’s got interesting stories to tell.”

“Then fine. Wear your stupid fancy top. I’ll just be in my room, waiting for you to need _rescuing_. Because she’s _War_.”

“She’s a war _reporter_ , darling, it’s really quite different-”

Pepper slams her door for what feels like the hundredth time that week.


	7. Chapter 7

War rides back into Lower Tadfield with a bottle of red wine in her new topbox, a smile on her face and a spring in her step.

Tina meets her at the door, tugging at the hem of her shirt as if she's anxious about something. War doesn't think she can have heard about the small riot that started in Upper Tadfield five minutes ago, not yet. She must be worried about something else.

“Nice shirt,” she tells her, “red suits you.”

“Oh- oh, thank you. Come in. You brought wine?” She takes the bottle and peers at it absent-mindedly. “My favourite.”

“You seem… nervous,” War tells her, “is it Pepper?”

“Oh, she’s acting up, but I’m used to that. It’s good for a girl her age to test boundaries.” Tina sighs. “I suppose I was just a little unsure… I didn’t know if you’d really come back.”

“I said I would, didn’t I?” War smiles, and for once it’s not calculated to cause fear. “Let’s see what other movies you have to watch.”

Tina hands her the remote and settles on the sofa to pour the wine; War flicks through the recommendations on the streaming service until she spots a horror film that’s been left unfinished, five minutes watched.

“You didn’t like this one?”

“I, er. Well, I didn’t want to watch it alone. In the dark, you know.”

“Want to watch it with  _ me _ ?”

“Er- yeah, if you like.” Tina giggles. “Will you protect me, if I get scared?”

“Of course,” War tells her, though there’s nothing to fear from any mere film. She offers an arm, and Tina tucks herself under it.

On the screen, a young man runs terrified through the woods. Tina shrinks into the shelter of War’s solid presence, and War smiles.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while! This is a bit longer, though, to make up for it - and I'll try to be back with an update soon.

Pepper doesn't hear War leave. It's one thing to wait upstairs, listening to her mum yelp, then giggle before Pepper has time to charge in and save her. That's typical of her mum watching horror films, really. But it's quite another thing to hear nothing but silence, and watch the hands of the clock pass midnight, and not to know if her mum is even still  _ alive  _ down there. Surely she must be - surely if her mum was out of the way, War would have come for Pepper straight away. But it's so very, very quiet and still downstairs.

Pepper picks up her trusty wooden sword and creeps along the landing, conscious of every creaking floorboard. She knows them all, knows how to avoid them, but fear chases the awareness from her mind. She forces herself to focus, setting her feet carefully on the most solid part of each step, and descends until she can peer into the living room through the banister.

What she sees chills her; her mother lies motionless, her head on War's shoulder. War herself sits motionless, staring blankly ahead at the streaming service's menu screen. As Pepper steals closer, hoping she can somehow snatch her mother back before War finishes draining her energy, or whatever she's doing, War's head turns, just a fraction, and Pepper realises she's been seen.

"What have you done to her?" She tries to make her voice sound strong and commanding, but War's only response is to raise a finger to her lips.

"She's sleeping," she whispers, and when Pepper dares to steal closer, she sees that it's true. War beckons her to come closer still, and when Pepper does, she lowers her voice even further. "I need you to do something for me, little g- Pepper."

Here it comes; War is going to tell her to do something awful, in exchange for her Mum's life. Or maybe she's going to try to use some sort of spell to make  _ Pepper  _ hurt her mum, and get her revenge that way. She used Pepper's name, which just goes to prove it; Adam has been talking all week about how his witch magazines say using someone's real name gives you power over them. For the first time ever, she's actually  _ glad _ that her real name is so ridiculous. War can't control her if she doesn't know her real name.

"What do you want?" She doesn't lower her wooden sword. War stares her down, eyes full of challenge and some emotion Pepper can't quite identify. It might be indignation; it might be indigestion; it might be malice. At last, she speaks.

"Would you get your mother a blanket?"

Pepper is so dumbfounded that she just  _ obeys _ , dragging her mum's king-sized duvet down the stairs and letting War drape it carefully over her mum. She only uses one arm; the other is trapped under Pepper's mum's head. Pepper is perfectly prepared to growl at her if she tries to sneak so much as an elbow under that duvet - she didn’t bring it down for  _ her _ \- but War simply tucks it neatly between their bodies and smiles at her.

Pepper, who has had quite enough of these sinister mind games, wishes War goodnight and goes back to bed.


	9. Chapter 9

War does not sleep.

She has no need for sleep, and yet she wakes the following morning under a soft, warm duvet. If she is waking, it stands to reason that she  _ must _ have been asleep; she thinks, at first, that she must have been tricked by a powerful enemy. Perhaps the same enemy who pins her to the chair, even now - but then she realises where she is and who is there with her.

War's head is on Tina's shoulder, and the other woman has shifted in the night, one arm outside of the duvet and thrown carelessly across War's body. If War didn't know better, if she saw two normal humans in such a position, she might think they were friends. She might even think they were lovers. But she does know better, and they are not. She lifts her head into a less compromising position - and Tina stirs.

“Mm. Wh-?” But then her eyes settle on War’s face, and she smiles, withdrawing her arm. “Oh. Hello.” Her breath smells of the battlefield, the last time War visited a vineyard, but War can’t find it in herself to care.

“Hello. Did I fall asleep?”

“I think we both did. I guess the film wasn’t so scary, after all.”

“Oh, sure. I could tell how scared you weren’t by the way you were practically sitting in my lap.” War smiles as she says it, as she might if she was trying to gently wind up Pollution or Famine, but - unlike Pollution or Famine - Tina freezes, a sudden tension hanging in the air.

“Oh. Yeah, sorry. I suppose- I’m easily spooked-”

“I didn’t mind,” War hastens to assure her, “I was just teasing.”

"Oh." But she still looks absolutely mortified, so War nudges her shoulder gently.

"Really. I don't mind you sitting on my lap-"

Something moves towards her face, and then there's something warm against the corner of her mouth, just for a second, like a fleeting kiss.  _ Exactly  _ like a fleeting kiss, actually, War realises as Tina pulls away. She runs over their interactions up to this point in her head, turning over each memory in turn to check for hidden meanings scribbled on the back, but finds no sign to suggest Tina's motives.

Do humans just do this? Sometimes? She vaguely remembers seeing young women exchange kisses for protection over the centuries; perhaps Tina is simply thanking her for keeping her safe from the movie's theoretical terror.

"Oh, God. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have- I was aiming for your cheek- I don't know why I-"

Yes, that's more like it.  _ I don't know why I did it.  _ It's a common refrain, among the survivors of War's usual chaos. No doubt her presence here has finally had an impact on Tina, and now she - War - has created a perfect opportunity to upset Pepper, to drive a wedge between her and her mother, because Pepper would be  _ furious _ if she thought her mother had really meant to kiss War.

"It's fine. These things happen. Let's say no more about it." Do these things happen? She has no idea. They don't happen to War, as a rule. But a kiss on the cheek is a sign of friendship, and War supposes they've sort of become friends.

"Oh. Yes. Thank you. I'm all over the place in the mornings, took leave of my senses." Tina is edging away, now, slipping out at the other end of the duvet and shivering, as if that's better than sharing it with War.

War stands reluctantly, picks up the duvet and wraps it around the human woman. They get cold so easily.

"I should get to work," War tells her awkwardly, and Tina nods. It's strange - and War has never paid much attention to the nuances of human emotion, so she may be misunderstanding - but Tina seems disappointed somehow. Resigned. "Same time next week?"

"Oh. Yeah." Tina treats her to one of those radiant smiles she has, and War feels a strange impulse to return the kiss - on the cheek, of course, because War has better aim. She actually leans forward an inch or so before changing her mind, and then all she can do is convert that potential energy into walking.

"Thanks for a lovely time," she tells her, and then leaves before she can confuse the issue any further.

War speeds out of Lower Tadfield without looking back.


	10. Chapter 10

Pepper thought she'd be glad to see the back of War. As it turns out, the reality is quite different.

Pepper's mum is a nervous wreck, you see, and the longer War stays away, the worse it seems to get.

"She's probably just busy stirring up conflict in the Middle East," Pepper tries to reassure her, after two weeks of her mother becoming increasingly fidgety, "being the literal embodiment of War and all."

"Oh, Pepper. I thought you'd given up on that silly idea. Really, I don't know how you come up with these things."

“She’s- oh, never mind. Have you tried texting her?”

“I don’t have her number.”

Pepper thinks about that for a few days. Then she talks to Adam about it, and finally she calls the angel they met on the airbase. She doesn’t tell him  _ why  _ she wants to know, but she does manage to find out that he got  _ Adam’s  _ number straight out of the Bible. And then, after about ten minutes with the book her mother keeps filed with the rest of her favourite fairytales, she scribbles something down on a piece of paper and hands it over.

“Mum. Try this.”

“What is it?”

“Carmine’s number. I think. Just text it and see.”

“I… how do you have this?”

“I looked it up. Just try it.”

Pepper’s mum types awkwardly for a few minutes - mostly, she seems to type and then delete whatever she’s just written several times before finally picking up the scrap of paper.

**0… 7… 6… 3… 4.**

Whatever it is she’s written, Pepper can tell the moment she’s sent it, because her mother lets out an anxious little whine and throws her phone onto the sofa.

“Worst that can happen is it’s a wrong number,” Pepper tells her, and goes to make her a cup of tea.


	11. Chapter 11

War stares at her phone as a message appears on the screen.

_**Hi, is that Carmine? It’s Tina, Pepper had your number for some reason. Sorry if I’ve got it wrong!** _

She stares at it for a little longer - she certainly never _gave_ the child her number - before replying cautiously, as if the little buttons might bite her.

**No, this is the right number for Carmine Zugiber. Is everything OK?**

After all, if Tina is contacting her - _War_ \- there must be something terribly wrong, mustn’t there? She barely has time to think that before her phone chirps again.

_**Everything’s fine, I just missed you.** _

And then, almost instantly, again.

_**I mean, I wanted to apologise. About before. If I made you uncomfortable.** _

War frowns; that doesn’t make any sense at all.

**No, I was very comfortable. You have a very warm duvet. Did I make you uncomfortable?**

The reply is slower in coming, this time; in fact, hours drag by before War feels her phone vibrate against her heart as she tears along a motorway. She pulls onto the hard shoulder, ignoring the beeping of horns that swiftly develop from mild annoyance into all-out road rage, and checks her messages.

_**No, you didn’t. Quite the opposite, really.**_

War can’t explain the relief she feels as she reads that; she also can’t explain the sudden pull she feels towards Tadfield. Towards _Tina_.

**Can I see you tonight?**

She gets back on her bike and turns around, heading back towards Oxfordshire without waiting for a response. Around her, cars sideswipe each other and blast their horns, but War’s only thoughts are for her destination, and the human woman she hopes is waiting for her there.


	12. Chapter 12

Pepper gives up on her mother entirely around the time she hears the squeal. Then she gives up on giving up and goes downstairs to see what’s happening.

“Did she text back?”

“She wants to see me tonight-!” The note of excitement in her voice swiftly fades, to be replaced by panic. “Oh, no- the house is a tip, and you’re here, and-”

“Mum. This is a date, isn’t it?”

“Er- maybe- I don’t- I mean-”

“You are seriously trying to  _ date  _ the literal personification of War.”

“I just… Pep, she gets me.” She sits down and gestures awkwardly for her daughter to take a seat opposite her. “I really like her, Pepper, but if you  _ don’t _ \- if you’re really that upset about the idea - I can tell her I’m busy-”

“Mum-” She hesitates for a moment. On the one hand… War is  _ War _ . She’s the literal embodiment of everything Pepper - and her mum - stands against.

On the other hand, her mum seems to really like her. “Go for it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’ll go to Brian’s. Take her out somewhere. Good luck, Mum.”

“Thanks, Pepper.”

Pepper goes to call Brian, but she watches from the corner of her eye as her mum picks up her mobile and taps out a text. She’s smiling to herself, as if someone’s just told her the most wonderful secret. She will have to gather the Them, of course, because they need a plan to deal with the return of a Horseperson, but that plan can’t be to stop her mum from seeing her any more. It’s just so good to see her happy.

And the moment War  _ stops  _ making her mum happy, nothing will save her from Pepper.


	13. Chapter 13

War agrees to the change of venue, though she’s a little surprised when she pulls up outside a quiet village pub. She’s been here before, actually, but it was substantially less quiet on that occasion. Now, it looks… _nice_.

So does Tina, when she spots her at a table in the corner, and War feels oddly self-conscious about her leathers as she sits down beside her.

“It’s good to see you,” she tells her, and Tina smiles, but there’s a sort of panic in her eyes that War’s not used to seeing when she’s off-duty. “Are… you OK?”

“Is this a date?”

That doesn't feel like a question War's qualified to answer. She's spent almost an eternity among humans and their ways still don't make sense to her. She knows little of love, or romance, and what she _does_ know of it is fierce and possessive and mostly learned in Troy.

Dates are for people who love each other - but War doesn't feel that desire to claim, to _own,_ that had so driven Menelaus and Paris. What she feels for Tina is softer, warmer, protective. Curious, even. She liked it, when Tina's lips brushed her own. She wonders if she will do it again.

"I don't know," she tells her, truthfully. "Do you want it to be?" Tina hangs her head for a moment, and War feels something she rarely experiences; remorse. She has made this human woman - her friend - feel _shame_. She should have said something different, given a better answer-

But then Tina looks up, and there's a determination in her eyes that War has seen before, in the eyes of berserkers and kamikaze pilots and the last few soldiers standing at the end of the battle. _This is it,_ that look says, _if I'm going down I'm going down fighting._

"Yes," Tina says, in the hungry tone of a human being with everything to lose and no hope of victory, "I'd like it to be."

War doesn't know what dating is, really, or how it works. She has never been on the inside of a romantic relationship. But she has been with Tina, on Tina's couch, in Tina's home; she has felt the warmth of her breath on her skin, and she has known the press of her lips to her own, and that seems as good a place to start as any.

"I don't know how any of this works," she warns her, and proves it by leaning awkwardly across the table and bumping her mouth against Tina's, noses colliding, a brief, clumsy kiss that War is certain will change the other woman's mind about her.

Sure enough, Tina giggles, and War feels her cheeks burn as red as her jacket. She's made a fool of herself, and her attempt at kissing is actually _laughable._ She should leave before she embarrasses herself further.

But as she stands, Tina grabs her hand and pulls her back down.

“I’m not laughing at you,” she explains, and then her hand is on War’s face, caressing her cheek. “I’m just relieved.”

“You weren’t in any danger,” War promises, and Tina smiles again.

“I know. I’ve never felt safer.”

Then she leans in, and their lips meet, and War begins to understand what all the fuss is about.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this fic was going to be short and silly and it probably is at least one of those. I'm going to probably call it a day here, although I'm not ruling out coming back for a look at their relationship proper. Keep an eye on the ship tag if you'd like to see that (and leave a comment to let me know, if you wouldn't mind). Anyway, thanks for reading!

Pepper can't sleep.

She hears a motorbike purr its way through the village and scrambles to Brian's bedroom window to look out into the dark street.

The distinctive red bike is going slower than Pepper’s ever seen it, and she’s glad - because on the back of it, face hidden under a bright red helmet, is Pepper’s Mum. Her arms are wrapped tightly around War’s waist, and she can see both riders’ shoulders shaking with laughter even from here. They draw to a stop outside Pepper’s house, just visible from where Pepper has her face pressed to the window, and scramble off, War reaching to help Pepper’s Mum get her helmet off before removing her own.

They pause for a moment, breathless giggles dying away, and for a moment Pepper thinks it’s all gone horribly wrong. War has said something, or her mum has disappointed her somehow, and now Pepper will have to console her mum over her broken heart.

Then War wraps her arms around Pepper’s Mum, pulls her into a kiss, and whispers something in her ear. Pepper lingers just long enough to make sure that War is getting back on her bike, then turns to go back to bed with a little smile on her face.

If it makes her mum happy, she can make peace with War.


End file.
